After the party ... We lost Charlie.
Maybe he went too far. Maybe he finally found the place he was always searching for. Or maybe he simply crossed a line most people never even see.
They say his problem was that he lived everything like a last chance - victory or nothing, all or oblivion. They weren't wrong. He never cared for the half-lived, the almost-good, the almost-real. He wanted the impossible. Wanted love that hits like a collision, nights that never repeated, a home that feels earned, not inherited. He wanted a life that burns at the edges - or no life at all. And the truth? I agree with him. If I can't find something worth waking up for, worth losing control for ... then I'd rather vanish too.
So, we follow the trail he left behind. City by city, night by night. Clue after clue. Where he went ... we go.
Until the party ends - or begins again.
The places Charlie has been were the perfect reflection of his beahvior during the moment. He wouldn't discard any single spot. His ability to turn the most fancy into a chaotic mess, was amazing (xar-9e)
Someone reported seing him on a rock gig. "He absolutely made friendship with all crowd around, going up and down on that grandstand" Yeah, this was very Charlie. No limits, no judgement, just pure excitement. "... out of nothing a girl appeared next him", "I'm not from this city ...", she said. After sometime, she was there with him, enjoying the show as if they were a long term couple. Eventually, Charlie got drunk, left the gig in the last music (can you believe that?) He said he would go to toilet. We never see him again.
The chaos was his natural environment. Charlie couldn't stand being in quite places, unless he was alone. When surrounded by people, he wanted the riot. Maybe, this explains why he was a big fan of pubs. "everybody is there, drinking and shouting. On the left a man is speaking about lifting 35 pounds on a bench press to a random woman whose friend is out there smoking with a guy who don't even know in which of the cigarette sides is used to light" Enjoying the moment. This was massive!
The only thing worth living is the impossible, and we do it there and then. That was one of the manic Charlie addictions.
I were living in Saint Petersburg, Russia. There was loads of snow falling. It was almost mid night and we decided to go to market get food, drinks and talk about our days along the night.
Charlie entered, went straight to the booze section, grabbed two packs of beer.
Suddenly, his phone rung. "What's up?" It was dark night, man standing with a heavy jacket and sunglasses. "... ok, let's go!"
"Man" he said. "Get more two packs of beer" More two packs, fuck, I wouldn't be able to drink all that. "I won't be able to drink all that"
A slight smile crossed his face and he said it was not for us.
"Man, after party ..." "come on!"
We leave the place, reach the crib of two of the most beautiful women I have ever been with, and as he would say "we'll make history today!"
Since that time, his lifestyle became a myth, a dogma, an approach on itself.
I cried and I smiled. I believed and I went doubt. I ask God's help and I also cursed him. And nothing changed, until the point I realized that I was the change myself. That man of yesterday, was not the same of now. And it doesn't mean I got better. Not in the terms you think of what is being better.
"I am real miracle - dying and ressurecting myself, over and over again, for the last twenty fucking years. But that version of me is dead. Charlie's path, begins now.
"We lost charlie": a phrase designating the action of exceeding expectations, going beyond the limits, where no one, or few, were able to be and got the courage to be.